Not Broken, But Blinding. We are.

1 Sep
A/N: The images displayed in this essay are not mine–Thank Goddess for Tumblr and Pinterest. Click the image for a link to their origin. So very unbeta’d–all mistakes and typos are mine. Lyrics, unless noted, belong to Marcus Foster. Playlist and GIVEAWAY INFO at the bottom.

In my time I’ve melted into many forms

From the day that I was born,

I know that there’s no place to hide

*drawing in deep breaths* So I wasn’t planning on writing today. I was acutely aware that I had only posted one Musings essay in August but I found myself unwilling to post another MOO until I was content with the quality. I wasn’t about to throw something up on WordPress simply because it was due. Suddenly, August passed by in a rush and I have no idea how that happened without my notice. When we last conversed, I told you that I had some ducks to get in line: Stuff for The Magical Little Practice and some training courses for Red Cross Instructor Certification. I also spent some time in my hometown for several days assisting my mother with some renovations on my childhood home (which provoked some memories long dormant and locked away), and I squeezed in visits with childhood friends, as well as a couple Cyber Soul Sisters @Robkris13 and @Mari. I also had a brief but surreal afternoon and evening with the lovely ladies from the KSIBTU Crew which included the luminous CC (@KstewsBtrThanU), the gorgeous artist Jamie (@JHiggs86) and my fierce August Birthday Girls Iris (@Just2cuSmile) and Kim (@Kimmcarr). But I had planned to be back before now to check in with you all.

A gift from @robkris13 via Comic Con: The stunning display of Follicle Issues Trading Cards!

Here’s the deal: In addition to all those wonderful events of the last month, I have been taking steps to complete a separate writing project that was proposed to me three weeks ago. So when I returned from my visits and completed my Certification courses last week, I tried to gather the energy needed to focus on my new task at hand.

No dice.

I have never been diagnosed with ADHD, but I’m seriously wondering if I should be assessed. I definitely am a tireless champion of PROCRASTINATION, a habit that may never be broken because I’m constantly enabled in it. I was on the verge of despair these past few days, beating myself up over an unreasonable deadline I failingly tried to enforce. I elicited my tired and true writing tricks: Listened to inspiring music; read provocative books and stories; organized my office supplies 🙂

A color-coded map of mah head

Today was that self-imposed deadline. Which means that last night I was a hot mess, and not in the complimentary way. So I didn’t quite have a Dark Night of the Soul, but I had a few moments resembling it’s bleak cousin Melancholia. And Melancholia whispered knowingly to me: “You are in over your head, Chica. You’re not ready for this. You don’t really want this. You’re not good enough to do this.”

For .0234 of a second I believed it. And I felt relief. Like finally I could acknowledge the truth, and now everyone could see it and I didn’t need to swagger around the room anymore in an act of bravado.

And then…I listened to the song that was playing on my speakers…It was one that I featured on this week’s Inspiration Playlist and had listened to maybe fifty times earlier. And yet, I didn’t hear it until last night in that insular moment. You can hear it on the playlist for this essay. Or click it for the YouTube:–>Illuminated

Suddenly my eyes are open, everything comes into focus.

We are all illuminated, lights are shining on our faces. ~Hurts

HURTS

While soaring to HURTS‘s ethereal melody, I found myself hashing out a rambling email to my friend @DeeDreamer16, a soul who also at this very moment is taking the risks to pursue her bliss via creative expression. I hadn’t given thought to the mundane or tedious when I began describing for Dee the post-it-pocalypse of my living room, so I forwent proper grammar, punctuation or politeness. I must have repeated about four times “I am beating myself up, NOTHING is done!” before a funny thing happened. I felt my shoulders dropping from my ears and my breaths growing deeper, slower. And I was writing. I produced full sentences about how I used procrastination as a shield to intercede between not my fears of failure but my fears of success. How I often leave things to the midnight hour because I want to challenge my boundaries and perhaps create my own obstacles.

I wanted someone to call me on my bullshit. However, by the time I hit “SEND” to Dee, I realized that the one person who needed to call me on my bullshit was …me. We are our most brutal critics and the most cunning of wall-builders. And that’s just plain ole exhausting, and I had enough on my plate thank you very much. So I went to bed, nursing my broken and bruised fragments, but lighter than I’ve felt in many days.

When I opened my eyes this morning, what greeted me? Resplendent Synchronicity.

We. Are. Blinding.

It has been weeks since we’ve seen our Reigning Other Queen. In the midst of unconfirmed sightings and speculation, our fierce Snow White was pictured at the Playstation Launch in London, emerging from a maze (a video game simulation?) within proximity of  one Mr Theo Hutchcraft, of (oh hell yeah), the band HURTS…. Seriously, of ALL the people Kristen could have been near? “Well,” the voice-no-longer Melancholia whispered to me…”We are illuminated. We are good. We’re so bright, we’re blinding.” 

But I had not recovered enough to truly be prepared for how the rest of this day would unfold. 

Click this pic to view Marcus's Music Video feat Ms Stewart

A personal favorite of mine, Marcus Foster, is a bluesman, singer-songwriter, poet, guitar player, master sculptor and childhood friend of Mr Robert Pattinson. This glorious morning he debuted his music video for the single ‘I Was Broken’. And the stark, raw, beautiful song of familiarity featured a video spotlighting a quiet, haunting and ethereal young woman, who despite appearing fragile and tenuous, is in fact, the polar opposite. Marcus’s lyrics hold such simple brilliance. We are not shattered, at least not indefinitely. And Kristen’s presence in this video brought me to tears. Compelling and mesmerizing…I cannot seem to break the spell.

But I will stand here till the end, I know that I can take the moon

Haunted by the things I've made

I wasn’t going to write today. I was a bit battered from my own encounter with that insistent wench Melancholia in the late hours of the night. But when my eyes opened this morning, I was inundated with such joyful motivators to still push forward, I simply could not stay away. The exquisite @DeeDreamer had responded to my late-night confessional in the form of an email, and we chatted into the morning about the risks and benefits of pursuing Bliss and the power of synchronicity–when we say “I’m ready”, the Universe has it’s way of supporting us.

So what if I didn’t make my deadline today? It was a completely unreasonable limitation to place on myself, I realize now. Was it not enough that I’d successfully completed my training courses for Red Cross and I’m now a Certified Trainer with a respected and effective humanitarian organization? I have the capacity to teach and share some of my knowledge as a therapist with people who go out onto the frontlines in response to disasters and tragedy. I have the opportunity to go out to the East Coast and work with the survivors of IRENE personally, like I did in Joplin. How incredibly privileged am I?

Well you walk these lonely streets that people send, people send.

There are some wounds that just can’t mend, I do pretend, pretend

I was broken, for a long time.

But It’s over now

Am I not incredibly grateful that my Sister PUSS was granted the opportunity to see a world-renowned specialist for her immune-deficiency illness on this very day? Am I not blessed with the most incredible friends and supporters of Otherness in my every day life? Its incredibly fortifying to see that the Army of Others is as widespread and present as it is. Represented by you incredibly gifted MOO READERS, in the Featured Rebel Royals; in Poet Warriors like Marcus and Robert and …Kristen Jaymes StewartIs it not extraordinary that there is a splendid woman like Kristen Stewart to turn to for a model of resilience and strength?

This morning I hadn’t planned on writing. But I acknowledged and welcomed the kinder, gentler way that I regarded myself. I know I hadn’t experienced some existential crisis of self these past few days, but my confidence and focus certainly wavered. And sometimes, we have to deconstruct the working whole, examine and focus on the little fragments, pieces and cells of a project before moving forward steadily and with certainty. We are resilient beings. We are extraordinary creatures. We may feel broken at times, but that’s over now.

We are Other.

Kristen is Other.

Others are beatific pieces of The Whole.

Embrace Your Other.

* * *

A/N: The lyrics (other than those as credited to Hurts’s ‘Illuminated’) featured throughout this essay belong to Marcus Foster and his song ‘I Was Broken’.

A GIVEAWAY! A GIVEAWAY!  Looky at what the Mail Lady brought me today….My extra ordered copies of W MAGAZINE!!!

I have 2 copies to give away to anyone who leaves a comment on Today’s Essay with an answer to at least ONE of these questions:

1. How have you reassured yourself to finish a task that you once viewed as insurmountable? How do you bounce back after these dark moments? 

2. What do you think of Marcus’s song I Was Broken? Of the video featuring Ms. Stewart? 

3. Have you experienced Synchronicity before? When you needed a nudge or confirmation most, in what form did it reveal itself to you? 

*Musings has it’s own FACEBOOK PAGE now! Check it out and join me for discussions and the sharing of pictures, books, quotes, videos and ideas of Otherness where we’re not limited to a measley 140 characters.

*GINORMOUS Thank you to my friend @DeeDreamer16. You have NO idea.

*GRATITUDE to my Good Reads Girls who give me unconditional support and cheerleading even when I go rogue.

*To Puss. You’ve got this, Sis. You’ve GOT. THIS.

PlayList For Today’s Essay:

Illuminated ~ Hurts

Don’t Die in Me ~Mirah

Outloud ~ Dispatch

37 Responses to “Not Broken, But Blinding. We are.”

  1. Brenda October 4, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    Hi! I am a newcomer and i have to say i love reading your posts! I feel so inspired and full of energy every time i read your posts. I struggle with finding my own voice, but i always feel stronger in a sense after reading your words, you have great talent when it comes to words by the way. Anyways, I just wanted to say hi, and I also wanted you to know that your words have great impact, in fact, right now in this moment i am cutting out images of your quotes that you post on tumblr. I love surrounding myself by positive messages around my walls and on my binders so that I am always reminded of our greatness while i am at school or while i am trying to get through the night when i am studying. Keep on doing what you do, and i am excited to read more 😀

  2. robkris13 September 17, 2011 at 11:51 pm #

    ahhh…sweet sister it was a joy to see you again! I loved sharing memories, giving gifts, and dreaming of the exciting adventures that will come our way soon! Life is good!

    Another inspirational MOO post S4…just the words I need to hear right now. ((hugs))

    I will answer one of your questions but please do not consider me for a copy Wmag because I have two copies already 🙂

    The video was stunning. ..Marcus’ voice and Kristen’s presence was a perfect and powerful combination. She stands there in such quiet beauty and confidence…so amazing. There are certain songs in the universe that reach out, grab hold of your heart, and makes you feel the words…I Was Broken is one of those songs. I still dream of a day when Rob, Bobby, Sam, and Marcus sing together and the icing would be Kristen playing guitar with them. I’d be able to die happy 🙂

  3. pharmgirl15 September 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    Before I can respond to anything in this excellent post, I must thank you for reminding me how much I love Dispatch- and Out Loud in particular. I wore that song out back in college and had since forgotten about it. So glad you found inspiration to write us a little something this week. I always smile when I see the alert in my inbox that a new post is up 🙂 The Marcus Foster song is heatbreakingly beautiful… and Kristen in the video is stunning. The emotion she can evoke with just her eyes still amazes me.
    Congrats on the new Red Cross certification! Your stories have inspired me to get trained in a way too- I am going to a training/education program next month for pharmacists to help in disaster relief in case the opportunity arises again. (We aren’t utilized as frequently, but we are mobilized in major disasters like Katrina!)
    Lastly…. I am loving the facebook page 🙂 Getting bits of inspiration more frequently helps keep me thinking in between posts.

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

      Hi M, I had responded to your comment in the email I sent you, but I want to thank you again and again for stopping in and leaving your warm and sage words. They always provide comfort. And I’m so pleased that the inclusion of Out Loud reminded you of your adoration for Dispatch. As I say all the time to you, I’m so honored that you find some comfort and benefit in my ramblings, that you found trainings and goals to pursue in response… Please keep us updated on your journey!! And thanks for letting me know how you’re liking FB. It’s kinda an experiment, and if it’s helpful for you, then I’m so pleased! xx, KJ

  4. DeeDreamer September 7, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Oh boy… Better late than never, right KJ? *slaps wrist for forgetting to come back sooner* My love for this post knows no bounds, as does my love for you, sweetness. I’m still so honored and touched that our conversation last week meant something to you; it sure was special to me!

    I’m really excited to say I have an answer to this fantabulous question of yours… one that it’s taken me a lot of commitment to share: How have you reassured yourself to finish a task that you once viewed as insurmountable? How do you bounce back after these dark moments?

    Well, as you know, KJ, I’m tackling a life-long goal right now, winding up my lasso and wrestling it into submission. After a year of letting my thoughts “marinate” – I made myself the promise I would go into Action Mode as of August 1st. And I wouldn’t let a day go by NOT tackling my dream. It was a challenge to ask that of myself, especially given the fact that I often feel intimated and inferior when it comes to the craft. But I promised myself the commitment, and so far, I’ve given it to myself. So for me, it’s been a combination of upholding the vow I made to myself as well as breaking down my dream into small, achievable goals. If I just work on it a little bit every day — even as little as a half hour — I’ll still have something to show for it. And if I do this for 90 days in a row, without fail, I’ll probably have the first pass DONE. 43,000 words and counting since 8/1… and they all happened in baby chunks.

    I bounce back knowing that when I go to bed every night, if I’m disappointed in what I achieved, I know that tomorrow i s a new day, and I’m blessed with the chance to try again. ❤

    Much love, much respect — ALWAYS!

    xo
    Dee

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

      Beloved Dee! As you already read in my homage to you and in my gushing chat with you: you were my lifejacket this week. Your plan of action is incredible and effective in it’s simplicity–but producing miraculous results. I participated in a writing exercise/workshop a few years ago where I wrote 1000 words every single day: gibberish, standards, jokes, frustrations, whatever. As long as 1000 words were written down, i was slowly pushing aside the huge boulder that blocked my creative flow. The small, achievable goals are far more spectacular in these dark moments–and I’m bursting with pride that you’re tackling this. I am going to take your advice and my own past experience and do the same. It’s getting started that’s the hardest part. But once the seal is broken–someone TRY and stop it. Thank you for holding the space for me. You may not ever ever know what you’ve done for me. Yours always, K

  5. Misty September 4, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    Kj, you are not alone in your procrastination. A lot of us have same issues when faced with major task. I usually take long deep breaths and try to center myself. Music is always good for inspiration as you found this week with Illuminated by the Hurt. My kick in the butt usually comes from my Mom. It is like the woman can sense when I am struggling. She calls and usually sets me straight. Once I get started on that project, I can’t stop.
    Thanks for always being honest with your words. You are inspiration to a lot of us. And congrats on your Red Cross certification.
    Oh and the Marcus Foster vid is sublime. Haunting song so beautifully sung with emotion. Kristen is so beautiful and her expressions completely reflected the mood of the song.
    I am always excited to see what is next.

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

      Dear Misty, hi my friend. I always always appreciate your kind words when you stop by to muse with me. I like your centering practices: deep breaths, quiet reflections, listening to music. And I’m beyond thrilled that your mom is a woman who is supportive and inspiring for you when you’re at a plateau or impasse. I always tell folks who are so complimentary to me (which I don’t quite understand yet, but another time, another time), that I am only as strong as my surrounding supporters. It sounds to me like you have a solid network surrounding you. Thank you for your honesty and general loveliness. xx, K

  6. sparkle September 3, 2011 at 9:20 am #

    Congratulations on being a CT for the Red Cross!

    One thing that I have noticed is how much negative “self talk” can play in my head. “I’ll never get this done. It will never be good enough.” I have to make a deliberate decision to be positive and encouraging to myself. *cue inspirational music* JUST DO IT. I tell myself. It does not have to be perfect. This helps me start tasks I once viewed as insurmountable and to keep working despite doubt and insecurity.

    I thought the “I Was Broken” video was heartbreaking and beautiful. To know that it involved a group of friends at every step of production made it even more special.

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

      Hi there my dear! Thanks for the congrats and your kind, sensitive words. The negative “self talk” is the most vicious of all isn’t it? It sounds like you have successfully implemented inspiring cues and support even when it appears insurmountable, and that is highly admirable. It doesn’t have to be perfect–because really, what IS “perfection”? Our definitions vary and flow and expand in response to the situation, and if perfect today means just STARTING a dreaded task..then there you have it. Perfection attained. Keep going, keep going! xx, KJ

  7. Christine September 3, 2011 at 7:28 am #

    Hi. I don’t know if you still know me. I only left a reply once on that post of yours where I figured out you are a Filipino as well. Well, now I wanted to congratulate you for completing your training courses in Red Cross and being a Certified Trainer. I don’t know what a CT does but based on what you wrote I think pretty much I get the idea. At least you are on to something that gives your life much more meaning and, probably, more self-worth.

    I can relate with this post. I can honestly say that I am not in the mood to read and read today but as soon as I saw the word ‘procrastination’ written in all caps and bold letters, I found myself reading further. I, myself, am battling with the same devil. Although when you look at it, procrastination is of my own doing, something that lives in me – a part of my brain hindering me from doing things right now. So therefore, I conclude, that the devil might be living in me and my train of thought is scaring me.

    As I read through your post, I found myself happy and envious that you seem to have found out why you are procrastinating. I really admire you. No bullshit. That is probably because until now, after reading pamphlets about avoiding procrastination and talking to the school therapist about it (I think once), I still have no clue why I keep on doing it. And I am really beyond frustrated. Do you know how it feels to set your mind about doing something, sleeping, and waking up the next day to find out that suddenly, through your sleep, your mind figured you didn’t want to do that ‘something’ you said you would do? Or telling yourself that you’ll work on it later and when later comes you push time and leave your work for later again (I do hope you got that convoluted question)? I bet you do.

    I guess that as long as I’m being honest with myself right now, I might as well say that I realized that I wasn’t trying hard enough to figure out what is with me and procrastination. I think that figuring out why the hell am I doing it was left for later too. Procrastination and I has been hanging out for a long time now and I do wish to get rid of it. I now realized that I read further because I was wishing that by reading how you came to realize why procrastination was a part of your life might help me recognize why we are good buddies.

    I have to admit, while I’m at it, that procrastination has been one of the major reasons for my usual dark times. I set things aside and I get frustrated afterwards by my lack of care about something that should mean a lot to me. And how do I bounce back? I don’t really follow either. I think that after some while, after some praying, and talking to Ryan (close friend), one way or the other, sense knocks in my head and slowly, I figure things out. Mostly, I just depress myself into heavy thinking and reevaluation of my life for me to realize what I have been missing. I try to get back on track and finish things. And for a little while, I am being me again.

    Uhm…while typing what to say next, I think I kinda get now why I am procrastinating. I was typing “I don’t know if like you, I am afraid of success” but I deleted that. I think that it is not success I am afraid of. It is stress. I get it. I don’t like stress. I like the adrenaline that washes through me when I anticipate but I hate worrying my head out. That is why I put things for later.

    Oh shit (sorry for cursing). I really want to thank you. My first step was to admit to myself that I am not lazy, just procrastinating. And we both know there’s a difference. I do believe that I have my personal clock and that my body follows it very closely. The second step is to realize why I am procrastinating, which at the moment, I realized might have to do with my allergy and total avoidance of stress. Anything and all things that is stressful. I know it is silly and I’m sorry if I used your Comment section as my therapist to figure things out. But thanks very much, you have helped a soul that is very much in need of epiphanies and knowledge right now.

    Thanks and Kristen Stewart is looking really good in Marcus Foster’s music video. I would say that as a Media student who has a subject called Theater Arts, I am using her as my model in terms of acting. Her facial expression says it all. No words, just that beautiful face and soulful eyes. So cool. And haters say she only has one expression (I know you might say, “quit reading hollywood blolumns” but I just can’t; procrastination and hollywood blolumns has their way to my heart).

    Anyway, thank you so much again. I wish I didn’t scare you with my random assessments, self-therapy in your comment section, twisted sense of humor, and naivety (if you might call it). Thanks again and good luck to whatever you are venturing into as part of pursuing your bliss. I hope you all the best and success.

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

      Hi Christine…I absolutely remember you. You left an incredible introductory comment last time too. I just wanted to thank you for how candid and courageous your are in working out the mechanics behind your own procrastination or hesitancies. Please never apologize for using this space to process. I am honored, actually that you shared such personal experiences…and I relate too. Stress is undesirable. I could see why it’s more appealing to avoid it versus jump right into the deep end. Because if you’re anything like me, I cannot do anything half-assed. I go big or go home. So that includes tackling stressors. How very timely Marcus’s video featuring Ms Stewart emerges now, hmm? And if Kristen has become a role model for your own creative expression than I’m beyond thrilled for you. You did NOT scare me away with your “random assessments and self-therapy”. I’m quite content, actually. Hope you stop by regularly, in fact. All my best, xo, KJ

      • Christine September 24, 2011 at 8:00 am #

        Thank you KJ. Thanks for encouraging me. I promise to stop by and check your posts regularly. It helps me actually, so I am sticking with you. You really are a light.

  8. Kate (@kate_suena) September 2, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

    Expectations play such a huge role in life and it’s easy to let them weigh us down. I think it’s difficult sometimes to find a balance between letting go a little bit and holding on to them so we stay on track. It’s strange, because I consider myself to have a lot of type A traits, but then in other ways (or simply in certain situations), I feel like a different person.

    Procrastination? Oh, I can be the queen of it. For example: reading a book for fun? I can race through one in a night. Textbook reading that would often make studying for an exam a hell of a lot easier? I can put it off FOREVER. Smart, right? One of my goals for this year is to be more on top of things like that.

    Procrastination when it comes to life plans…now there’s a whole other story. Which ties nicely into self-expectations. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this point, and that can be incredibly frustrating. But I loved this post because, as you so often are able to with your beautiful words, KJ, it made me take a step back. Maybe it’s okay that things aren’t exactly what I thought they’d be. Maybe that just means there are different opportunities that will present themselves. I hope so. In the mean time, I think that listening to Marcus sing those haunting words, while simultaneously watching our gorgeous girl just BE, is a wonderful way to find inspiration. There are many fantastic things in life to appreciate, and good things are coming up. Less complaining, more happiness.

    Can’t wait for the next Musings from you, ma belle, whenever your muse decides to drop by.

    LOVE. xx

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

      My beautiful Katie…How was your Birthday, my girl? Thank you for leaving such lovely words this week. I always appreciate and feel that I learn from your reflections. It’s funny how we can apply our procrastination filters quite selectively, non? But yes, maybe, just maybe it’s ok that things aren’t exactly as we had planned. We still find our way back out of the maze, and often with different options than first considered. Sometimes with MORE options than we thought possible. And like Marcus sings–yeah ,we might have deconstructed, but upon examination of the pieces, we might be ok. It’s over for now. much love. xx, K

  9. ladybug September 2, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    First things first: Congratulations on your certification with Red Cross!! As a fellow human being and reader I cannot express how truly admirable and inspirational it is for me to see people giving away their time and their experience to help others.

    Second, this week was NOT a good one. My favourite co-worker and friend left our workplace and while I could not be happier for her, because she went to better things, it was very bad for me. Some people make your workplace better and bearable, she was one of them.
    Also, my boss is being a very hard person to deal with…And I’m pretty much on good terms with everyone on planet Earth, but this woman makes me cringe. She takes pleasure in making people feel inferior and well let’s just say there’s been a lot of that going on. So, until Wednesday I pretty much felt like crying 24 hours a day. Then I slapped myself because yeah, I’ve been kicking myself down and letting other people do it for me and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!

    Now on to the giveaway! *crosses fingers because DAMN I can’t find that magazine anywhere around here*

    1. How have you reassured yourself to finish a task that you once viewed as insurmountable? How do you bounce back after these dark moments? COLLEGE AND GRAD SCHOOL ohmybabyjesus this.all the time!! There was crying and “I give this up” and “why did I ever think that making a paper on “the dissemenation of scientific knowledge through international world fairs in the 19th century” was a good idea?”. I don’t know how I bounce back, usually I just cry my frustration out and get the job done. Usually this happens on the last day before the thing is due. #TwinProcrastinators

    2. What do you think of Marcus’s song I Was Broken? Of the video featuring Ms. Stewart? NGL I was used to Rob’s version and I thought I liked it better, but after listening to it a couple (ahem, a million) times I can say that I completely and utterly love it. So haunting and beautiful and…Kristen in that video with just her face perfectly matching the feeling of the song. *sigh* It makes me loose coherence.

    3. Have you experienced Synchronicity before? When you needed a nudge or confirmation most, in what form did it reveal itself to you? All the time. We have a saying around here that goes ” there are no coincedences” basically, everything happens for a reason and the world has a way of showing it to you somehow. For example, your posts often leave me (not speechless, as you can obviously tell) but in awe of how in tune they seem to be with my life and feelings. We Others are great at being Synched!

    Have a lovely week everyone! Lets Other On!

    PS: I am embarrased of how big this comment this…

    • Emma September 2, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

      Don’t be embarrased, I enjoyed reading it. I have worked in a hostile setting once. Pure trauma. Look around, maybe you can change the job.The longer one stays in such place the harder it is to move on. Best

      • ladybug September 4, 2011 at 2:25 am #

        Thank you!

        And yes, definitely trying to get out of this setting. FAST!

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

      Hiya Jo, Thanks for your kind wishes re: the certification for Red Cross. I’m beyond thrilled to be able to offer more of my services to the cause. I’m sorry to hear you lost an ally and positive support in your co-worker, but I’m so happy to hear that you realized in her departure that you have the fire to prevent any beat downs bestowed upon you by grouchy bosses …or anyone else for that matter. As for how you exhibit your resilience (tears and procrastination) are familiar friends of mine as you know. And if it works, why change it. Crying and taking a little time actually CAN be productive and cathartic. It’s when we start feeling guilty for those things that can cause the real trouble. Ah seeking the elusive balance…constant work in progress. I love that in your hood you all do not believe in coincidences…I do not either. Glad the Universe has revealed its support to you often..and that you accept gracefully. Love your comments. Always. Never edit or restrain, ok? xx, KJ. P.S. did you find your W copy?

  10. LCMom September 2, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    Thanks so much K for sharing that you, too, have ineffective moments! We ALL do! The pressure we put on ourselves to perform ‘up to expectations’ paralyzes us. And sadly, being an adult brings responsibilities that, if we’re honest, we really dont want. Decisions decisions. I’m having a tough week myself and am looking for any excuse to avoid what’s needed to move the dial. Isnt there a mom out there somewhere who can just do this stuff for me?

    Kristen is stunning in the video. Surprised nothing’s flown in my mouth yet from all the agape staring Ive done. Gorgeous.

    • KJ September 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

      Hiya LC…it’s borderline insane the pressure we put on ourselves! Paralyzing! I found that Marcus Foster has impeccable timing, sharing his heartbreaking but soulful song about resilience with us. And featuring our Reinging Queen. A little reminder and nudge granting permission to break down a bit for re-visioning our goals…very welcomed and effective. I hope you’ve found a little grounding during your tough week, my friend. Thanks for always coming by with kind words. You cannot know how much it means to me knowing you’re there. xx, K

  11. Belinda aka girlyinthenorth September 2, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Your words always inspire me. I also suffer from Procrastination..and can relate to your woes. Why do I self sabotage? I can’t answer truthfully…I wish I knew. However, I have found success with breaking down my usual BIG projects into smaller victories. After finishing one small task-I find I want to go on to the next and feel that exhilarating feeling I get when I finish!
    ahhh the new Marcus Foster Video with Kristen: How meaningful. What a Fabulous Song, the emotion in this song is so beautiful. I love how Marcus sings into the camera, such soul. I love how haunting Kristen looks and the strong emotions she conveys. I absolutely adore it.
    Thanks for your words , your blog is amazing and I love to read your new thoughts. Belinda xo

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

      Hey there, Belinda! I appreciate your thoughtful, reflective comment here, and I LOVE how you recognize that breaking down the large projects simply translates to MULTIPLE victories! Wonderful reframe and a perfect integration of message this week on recovery and resilience even when we’re in PIECES. Broken, even? Ahh that Marcus surely is soulful and profound on many levels, hm? I too am haunted by his song and now, with Kristen’s participation, the video. Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to deconstruct some of the puzzle and sharing it with us. Your thoughts are always so lovely. xo, KJ

  12. Emma September 1, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

    Dearest KJ, be gentle to yourself. You worry about the whole wrold. Such “a giving tree” you are. Procrastination is my weakness too. This week I am reading “The magic daughter” by Jane Phillips and sobbing a bit.Sending love.

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

      Hi Emma! Your gentle reminder for me to be gentle with myself was just what I needed to hear. Thank you for always stopping in and leaving kind words of encouragement and joy. You’ll need to share more of your thoughts on “The Magic Daughter”. Looks like I’ll be adding another book to my already ridiculous to-read pile. Sending love back atcha. xo, KJ

  13. shy girl September 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    When I needed a nudge or a confirmation, it was always revealed to me through music. I remember struggling with a recurring problem, and every time, right before I had to face that problem again, I would hear a particular song playing on the radio. There were three songs that used to do this; they didn’t have any significant meaning except that I enjoyed them and they would make me smile. But the more that I happened to hear them play randomly when I was most needing a little cheer, I began to anticipate and expect to hear them. Which for years, I did. When I would hear one of these random (but still meaningful to me) songs play, I would know that it was going to be okay. Not that I would necessarily succeed, but that I would make it through the struggle that day.

    Sadly, I have not heard these songs in quite some time. Maybe the reveal has shifted, and I have yet to notice the new incarnation. Or perhaps, I have yet to come to the new place I must be in to see them. But it was good to remember the experience of those songs through this post. To remember, that for a while, I knew when it all clicked together.

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:40 pm #

      Yes, my friend, you and I both turn to music for solace. It truly is element and balm that can heal me and in your bee-yoo-ti-fully eloquent comment here, you are familiar with the profound way music can incite as well. As for why or how the effect can ebb, I do not have precise answers, but your musings may be spot on. And I feel a flicker of light with you as I remember that for a moment, we can observe how it all made sense and “clicked” at one time. A flicker of light, because if I believe if it’s happened once before, it can happen again. *Squeezing your hand*. I hear you. xx, K

  14. MyCleverAlias September 1, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    Oh, my lovely friend, this post made me sob. But in a good way. In a way that I desperately needed, after a long week of aching. Physically and emotionally. Since last Friday, a beloved educator from my childhood met a desperate and unhappy end. Dear friends had to put their sick dog to sleep to ease his pain. The first of my potential new adventures stalled before it had the chance to start. And, of course, I’ve had a cold, which is certainly the smallest of irritations … but an irritation nonetheless.

    I’ve treated my body well, drinking fluids, medicating and getting sleep. But I have not been kind to myself mentally. Ironically, the new adventure that didn’t work out? Not weighing down as much as I would have expected. But I have felt like such a failure in other ways, in how little I’ve gotten done this week and just some general frustrations. It’s so GOOD to be reminded that we have to let ourselves off the hook sometimes. That sometimes life happens, and it really just is what it is.

    I have my (treasured) copy of W, so please give yours to someone who hasn’t found it yet. But Marcus Foster’s video? Perfection. I loved the juxtaposition of his face, up close and without pretense, with the world moving by him at a rapid pace. His raw emotions, the imperfections. So moving.

    And our Other Queen? Her beauty was perfectly suited for this video. Natural, also raw. Haunting. You would break for her, no doubt.

    Thank you. I thank the universe all the time that I met you, and our twitter friends/partners in crime/support group. We seem to be here for each other at just the right times, in just the right ways. It’s a true gift.

    I love you.

    PS – on a lighter note, OUT LOUD. I love, love, love Dispatch. And my freshman year of college, my then-boyfriend pulled me out of a chemistry lab on my birthday to serenade me with it while his roommate played guitar. He had a terrible voice. It was the sweetest. And that was only the first serenade. But the rest is a story for another time. 😉

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

      My dear dear friend. I am so sorry to hear of all the heartache you experienced during that week, and while you were sick! I know too excruciatingly well how you were feeling as old demons rose up. We’ve gotta be just as generous with ourselves as we are with everyone else in our lives we care about. But we truly are harshest within. I hope you continue to ease up and realize how extraordinary you are (in time, if not exactly IN this moment, I know). I know I appreciate you and I too am grateful to the Universe for the blessings MOO has brought me–including your friendship. As for Out Loud by Dispatch–I am a fairly new fan actually, but I dig. Your then-boyfriend had the right idea..A serenade is stuff of legends. You’ll need to catch me up on the rest of THAT story. ILY2. xx, K

  15. beammeup (@beammeup_00) September 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    I have more to say, but I just wanted you to know I’ve been here. I am a little (a lot) enthralled by your words. Despite all you have written before, I find myself (finally) getting it. It is up to me to find the way. It is up to me not to fear. More later. I need to think.

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

      Hi my friend, M. I KNOW you’re there. Here. I always can feel your warm presence. And this lesson that we are all working through right now: that it is in our hands to find the way…it’s startling and simultaneously soothing/healing/liberating to process–at least for me. I’ve many set backs. I may repeat my words over and over, and a lot of the time it’s to remind ME, especially when I have backslides or moments of absolute melt downs due to resistance (as I did the week I wrote that MOO, and as I am THIS week while I reply to comments). I hope you’re well, and I appreciate the time you take to let me know that you’re …here. xo, KJ

  16. Mari aka PR aka Pai September 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

    Oh my dear friend, truly spectacular and just how AMAZING was that video, the song, Marcus words, Kristen’s haunting essence.
    I loved spending that little hour and a half with you too, an hour is better than nothing right?
    Oh Synchronicity and its power, I am surrounded by it and recognize it constantly, it could be a number, a song playing on the radio a dream.
    Sending you big hugs and kisses. I am lucky to call you my friend.

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

      Ninety minutes of time with you is ALWAYS a soothing, heavenly reward my dearest Pai. I love how aware and drawn to synchronicity you are…you’re an incredible model for grounded-ness and sensitivity and it is MY honor to call ou my friend. Much love to you and your beautiful family. Big hugs and kisses back atcha. xx, Kai

  17. hopesecho (@hopesecho) September 1, 2011 at 4:07 pm #

    When things that are daunting in my life, I 1st try and count my blessings which are many when they are compared to so many others in this world. I pray to see the positive instead of the negative in people. In this fandom it means staying away from negative sites, reading things that make sense as your blog does. I watch youtube, the great videos such as Comic con, Libinet and other true fans make also a ride on my horse makes almost everything better and helps clear my mind.
    When having to start a daunting project, I down load a audio book and as I listen and get started “which is the hard part, just getting started”.. it’s never as bad as I thought it would be and sometimes I don’t want to stop as I take pride in what I have accomplished and I want to keep listening to a good book.
    Marcus’s song is hauntingly great and Kristen makes it more so. I feel like I am seeing their souls. Kristen herself looks haunted in this video too me…. hauntingly beautiful also.
    Funny how when things seem really bad it comes in 3’s for me “maybe thats all in my mind” but then something good seems to happen and helps wash that bad all away it could be as little as hearing/seeing this video, or hearing from a old friend but the good is almost always better then the bad.

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

      Hi Hope! I LOVE the soothing coping mechanisms you choose to participate in when things feel daunting. I agree wholeheartedly: the hardest part of a new project or task is STARTING it. And I too, have discovered that it’s NEVER as terrible as I built it up to be. Marcus’s song and Kristen’s appearance in the video ARE haunting. And incredibly soothing too. Thank you for leaving such powerful, positive reminders of our abilities to be resilient. Take care, xo, KJ

  18. Sjjw September 1, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    Wow. Your words truly inspired me today. I’ve had a week of insurmountables, with people and circumstances seeming to block my every move forward in several different areas. One of my greatest challenges this week came as I realized the enormity in taking the helm of a very large-scale, week long, established special event at the Art Museum where I volunteer and serve on their “council”. The museum recently went through a major renovation and expansion, placing it amongst the top 10 museums in the country. Growth like this does not come without pains, and I seem to have been the sacrificial lamb put to slaughter as long-serving folk struggle against the new administration. I found great solace in Marcus Foster’s video myself. Not just because Kristen was so stunningly beautiful and perfectly haunting, but also because his words helped fortify me to move forward, gathering the support I have received and ignoring the critics trying to tear the event, and me, down! Thank you for writing today, finding your muse and inspiring us all. I so look forward to your thoughts and careful, caring observations!

    • KJ September 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm #

      Hey SJ. Lovely lovely comment, per usual. Its ‘thoughtful, careful, caring observations’ from you and our fellow Others that keep me writing MOO to be quite honest. I found that Marcus’s video and message came at such a serendipitous time as well. Growth often emerges from the pieces, he reminds us. And I’m so thrilled that you are finding your supporters and champions for your wonderful cause. Keep going my friend. And thank you for your lovely words. xo, KJ

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